It's also something that I try to do a lot, because I realise that it makes life so much easier to handle. I guess it's also partially due to my liking for rationalising things away.

And then I quickly asked myself why I wanted to have a kid. That brings me to the broader question of why do people want to have children?

Is it because we want to make sure that there is someone who will provide for us and take care of us when we are old?

Is it because we want to experience the 'joy of parenting' which the world tells us is one beyond words?

Is it because we love kids?

Is it because we want to exert some form of control over someone else's life?

Is it because we want to make sure there'll always be someone who will remember us after we die?

Is it because we want to (or we have to) carry on the family line?

Is it because we think that we'll make a better parent than some others?

Is it because we think that we'll make a good parent?

Is it because we just want to have sex and babies are a (not necessarily bad) by-product?

Is it because we want to inject some new element into our relationship?

Is it because we finally feel ready to have a child? And that still begs the question: why do you want to have a child?

Is it because that is the way society works?

Is it because that's the example we learn from our parents?

Is it because that's supposedly what we are supposed to do (after marriage)?

And then it struck me that from my limited generation of reasons/ideas above, they generally fall into 2 categories: (1) selfish reasons; or (2) societal norms.

(1) - hardly can we say that we want children because of some altruistic reason (well, of course if you think that satisfying your gramps' or your parents' wishes is altruistic then fine by me)

(2) - sometimes we don't really think much about it, because having children is just 'the way things go', or to quote someone from the previous generation: '如果你不生孩子，那你结婚来做什么？' (of course that goes into the topic of marriage, which isn't quite the topic here today)

I'm not saying that it's wrong to have kids, nor is either of the categories above wrong. I'm just pausing to reflect on why people actually want to have kids. Then of course there are those who fall into neither - I don't really bother whether I have kids or not, so if it comes then it comes.

All that said, either way, the child never ever gets to choose to be born (or not). I didn't choose to come into this world. That decision was made for me by my parents. And on that note, to those parents out there - if you decided to have a child, no matter how the child turns out, you are the one responsible for the child. And to those who love to lament '早知道就不把你生下来', too bad man, don't blame the child. You decided to have the child, so if you regret it, don't blame it on the kid. He's the most innocent one. In some sense, he's even the victim of your decision.

Nonetheless, that doesn't give us (as children) the reason to blame everything back on the lack of choice in coming into this world. Let's face it: none of us had that choice. So deal with it. Yes the world's unfair - no one ever tried convincing the world otherwise. If you wanna wallow in your the-world's-unfair pathetic state and get stuck in that rut, it's time to get your act together and live life like a man (or a woman).

*Really rambly thoughts today. Feels good typing without an essay question or word limit or restriction or academic grading in mind.

想睡觉吗？不完全是。想找人聊聊吗？也不太确定。可能是两个星期连续的一直在赶，一直在冲，所以现在只想坐着，什么都不作，就任时间流逝。尽管如此，其实自己也很清楚，脑子现在都还是满的，不是在为明天的功课准备着急，就是在为明天的事而计划，要不就是在为现在的‘闲着’而感到内疚。当然知道时间是宝贵的，但其实只想坐着-没有为任何期限担心，没有为任何计划而懊恼，没有需要做出任何的反应。或许这就是最真实的我：完全不去想、完全不去感觉。真的是这样吗？

不是生活不愉快或不幸福，但只想停下脚步，歇一歇，呼吸新鲜的空气，完全没有搅扰或逼迫。当然，我能够有闲情在这里发表表达，已经是很幸福的了：知道有身边的人连这种‘奢侈’都没有。

但，我们能够这样去比较吗？有这个必要吗？

难道每个人不是有自己的选择权吗？有自己的价值观吗？我选择这个时间在这里，不去温习功课，当然后果我要自负，不能怪其他人。但我知道因为今天不读，会导致明天必须补偿，造成我更多的压力。或许我会埋怨。啊，不去想它吧！

It is precious.

Some like it big and conspicuous, some are contented no matter how small.

Most importantly, it has many facets. From a certain angle, you may not think it's worth a lot. Yet from another angle, you may actually find it attractive and beautiful.

----------------

We play many roles in our lives. You can be a boyfriend, a student, a son, a brother. And in each of this role, you have a designated responsibility. And you might think of yourself as a failure if you do not accomplish a particular something.

A mother may feel that she is a failure if her kids do not have a full breakfast before leaving home.

A father may feel that he is a failure if his family is not provided for.

An elder sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not give the kind of love her mother gives to her family.

An elder brother may feel that he is a failure if he cannot protect his younger siblings.

A younger sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not lighten the atmosphere during family gatherings.

A younger brother may feel that he is a failure if he still gets treated like a small boy.

A friend may feel that he is a failure if he cannot be there when his friend needs him.

A lover may feel that he is a failure if he can be there with his beloved, yet is unable to help.

A partner may feel that he is a failure if his beloved does not call when feeling down.

What, then, is your failure?

----------------

And because life is multi-faceted, perhaps things might actually look better if we try to take on a different perspective.

Yeah I know I've said that age is just a number. But I couldn't help it but instinctively react with a 'woah'. Perhaps society has constructed me to react that way. Nonetheless, 15 years difference. Another of my friend was quick to point out Dr Sun Yat-Sen and his 3rd wife who were 26 years apart.

Well, age is but a number, no? I've heard of couples differing by 5 years or 10 years, but 15 years is indeed a first for me. Perhaps what shocked me was the sheer number and also the fact that the couple has 2 kids. Leaving the kids issue aside, I suppose 15 years does seem a little wide. But it's pretty subjective isn't it? To me, 5 years difference is perfectly acceptable while some people feel that the maximum should be 2. I guess it's a matter of the environment we grew up in. My parents differ by 5 years, so I would think that 5 years is perfectly normal. Then I have friends whose parents differ by 9 years, and so they wouldn't be too surprised if they heard of similar couples. So, really, who decides what number is too big or too weird?

Assuming we take a 22 year old and a 12 year old. 10 years difference. Even for me who has no issues with 10 years difference will object to this simply because it's pretty paedophilic. What about a 7 year difference for a 23 year old and a 16 year old? Arguably this is more acceptable but some will still feel that it's a tad paedophilic. What if we were looking at a 25 year old with a 35 year old? Still 10 years apart, but it doesn't seem half as bad as a 22-12.

That's why I figured that age is a number, and also a signpost to suggest the stage the person is at. It's like a quick reference to the sort of life a person might be having. Schooling or working. So if you meet someone for the first time and the person says he's 15, you'll ask which (secondary) school he's in; if someone says he's 18, you'll ask whether he's in poly or jc or ITE; if someone says he's 22, you'll ask whether he's studying at a university or if he's working. So there you have it, age is a rough guide to where a person might be in life. Of course, all these at the risk of stereotyping.

Alright just a short post about my take on age and numbers. To all the couples out there whose age difference may be significantly wide (however you want/choose to define it), I wish you all the best in your relationship and no matter what people say, always remember that age is but a number which is a quick reference to the stage in life you are at. You may not be in the same stage with your partner now, but one day you will be. And at that time, you'll realise that age is but a number, and love transcends all that.

天空有云作伴，海洋有浪花同行。

我独自坐在冷清的岩石上。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱，就这样过一辈子的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱，就这样过一辈子，也感到是一种无比的幸福的人。

会难吗？那么，你，愿意吗？

I actually wanted to write a blogpost and ramble on about my thoughts about certain things. And then I realised that I always pop by here when I need to clear my thoughts, or when I feel like expressing myself but I don't feel like picking up the phone to call someone, or when I'm not too sure who I should call, or when I feel like I just need to pour everything out one-way and so I don't want to have someone being silent over the phone with occasional 'mm' and 'mhmmm' and 'orh' etc. And as I was contemplating starting a post, I recalled what my friend told me once about how writing things out helps to clear your thoughts and actually is good for emotional well-being, and then I recalled the show that I watched during youth camp last year - Letters To God. And so, I decided to write one to you today.

I guess writing with someone in mind makes it much easier to ramble, probably because being social is one of the characteristics of Man and of Yourself too. Well, at least I don't have to craft my post in a way that makes it formal since it's just a letter to a friend.

You know, I'm sure you do, it's not been an easy journey thus far, but I really wanna thank You for everything that You have given to me. Yes, through it all, now standing here where I am, I can look back and confidently and proudly say that I am immensely thankful for everything You have given to me. And the providence that You had for me. Yet, at the same time, I know that when something unpleasant comes my way, I would instinctively ask You why You gave those to me. I only pray that You'll always constantly remind me that You have a plan for everything.

Ah and that reminds me. The other day I was chatting with wanjie and topic of religion and logic and rationality popped up. And that reminded me of the conversations I had with some people. You know how we always remind one another to have faith in You, and that no matter what You'll always be with us and be in charge of the circumstances? But at the end of the day, no matter how logical or rational the argument flows, the last step still involves the irrational bit of really trusting that whatever You promised is true. Yeah I guess we can say that rationally, given the past experiences of other people or even of that individual, the rational conclusion to draw is that such promises are indeed true. But I think on another level, some people think that there's no logic in believing that whatever You promised come true. Not too sure what the case is, but I always thought that religion involved some form of irrationality.

Anyhow, I rambled too much. Why I wrote a letter to You today is not to ramble about the above. I was just thinking about some stuff that's been going-on and some incidents that happened which I get to know of. I think by now You already have many people coming to You and asking how You can be a fair God if so many unpleasant things happen. Well, I never said that to You but I think I may not be too dissimilar - in the sense that I always wonder WHY certain things happen? Yeah I don't mean to say you're not fair, but I really just wonder why some things happen, and I just feel that it's really horrible to have those things?

It's like, why should my friend be made to go through that? I'm not too sure, but I know you have a plan. But I really find it tiring or even defeating at times, where my friend does everything he can in hope of a better outcome, and I try to help him along to try to achieve what's best for everybody. But then the situation turns out to be some other way. You know, it's like, we've already done what we could, so what more could we do? If circumstances always turn out this way, it's really crazy. I mean, if it's once or twice, or even occasionally, I think I'm cool with it. But seriously, if it happens all the time?! When we plan to the best that we can and try to do all that we can, circumstances just come along and destroy, in a matter of seconds, all that we have been striving for! Yes, such incidents serve to remind me and teach me that everything is ultimately in Your hands. But if everytime it happens, surely there must be something more to it? Are You trying to tell me something? Are You hinting to me that this just isn't meant to be?Are You using all these to show me something, to make a point? I really don't know. And I've been asking ever since. I know, I may not have an answer anytime soon. But I just thought that I really just want to write to You?

Nah, this is not a sign of rebellion or discontent, but I'm really just afraid that I'll get tired real soon. Is this what You're trying to tell me though? Hmmmm? Okok just writing to let You know yeah? Just needed to get this off my chest for now. Alrights, I've got to head back to studying. Please help me along with it okay? Thanks a million.

Hope to hear from You soon.

Love,

Ed

Through the years, I know I've said this more than a few times, I've become more rational and less emotional. At the same time, I've become more critical, skeptical and cynical.

And definitely, I've become more practical and pragmatic. I don't think I've become less idealistic nor less dreamy, but I've definitely tempered all these with more grounded reality. I've become way more task-oriented than I used to be, and find myself at various junctures asking: 'so what's the point of this?' or 'what's the point of that?'

And it's such an unfamiliar ground that I find myself still trying to cope with the changes, and still trying to find my identity.

Bildungsroman?

Just handed up Public Law assignment. Crazy essay indeed. Well, there's only myself to blame for starting late. But I was fully aware and mentally braced myself for that. At least I got to do other stuff during this recess week instead of just sitting at home the whole day to figure out the essay - which was pretty much what I did last sem for Property Law assignment. It was stay home and mug the whole day away. Crazy stuff too. Well, got a B+ for that assignment which I was really pleasantly surprised. But if I had to spend that kind of time to get that kinda grades, I'm not too sure if I'm actually keen on that. Speaking of which, my overall grade for Property Law was a B-, which still befuddles me till today. I probably did really badly for my final exam and that's something I don't quite understand. Frankly, after surviving 3 semesters in law school, I'm still not too sure what study method works. Ah well, at least this sem's modules are all pretty weird so they're nothing conventional.

Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Oh right, the recess week that just passed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm not willing to work for my grades. It's just that I don't want to spend my whole life as an undergraduate mugging away. Alright, yes I know the most important thing for now is my studies (yes mum, I'm writing this here for you to see so you'd know I know). Still, I have other things in my life I wanna pursue too. My passion in church, in choir, in music, and a few more others. All these calls for time management and a really good balance. I probably suck quite a bit at both, but by the grace of God, I'm still surviving and still quite managing.

Sorry for the out-of-the-norm blogpost today. Just felt like rambling somewhere somehow. Probably the assignment killed all my brain cells and I just wanted to do something defiant. Anyhow, whatever the case, it's been some time I've been here dearest blog. So much things have occurred and happened in my life, and I've had new realisations about life, about myself, about friends, about people and about stuff. It's been quite a pretty crazy few weeks. But as usual, as with all such crazy times, it's a good period of moulding, learning, and growing. And I thank God for bringing me through thus far. It's really amazing (and scary too at times) how God uses various things to remind myself about His grace and His providence.

Alrights, feeling way better now from the assignment overhang. Yes I've been awake for the past 24 hours, and it's amazing I didn't faint just now. I really thought I was gonna collapse anytime. Grabbed a bite and a drink and hopefully things will be better. Lecture in 30mins time and heading home in 2.5hrs time. Choir in the evening again. :)

Listening to Kenny G Christmas album which I bought years ago. Saxophone + strings + keyboard = awesome. Reminds me of my dream to play the saxophone one day. Was aiming for that when I'm 30 years old. Haha. As for strings... oh well. Wen Han was nice enough to pass me his violin and teach me how to play. That was really like in 2008 or something I THINK. I was just too lazy to practice and too playful to be focused. And then, just a few weeks back, I had another crazy piano idea. Dreaming too much for my own good? Nah, I guess we all have dreams and we have such random moments that creep into our lives which makes it much more interesting and fulfilling? And then there's a few more other music-related ideals, hopes and dreams...

Alright, setting those aside for now and coming back to life ahead. It's the start of the 2nd half of my 4th semester in law school. And the completion would mark the halfway mark through law school. Time flies indeed.

But I'm glad I'm going through life this way and doing various things that I like. :) Giving thanks for everything that has happened, that has not happened. :) Feeling a sense of wholesomeness once more. :)

But what can I say? I'm angsty, and much frustrated. But I still have to deal with it. And that's why I'm tons frustrated when such things happen.

I think I'll grow up to be blind, deaf, and then might as well just chop off my nose.

Such thoughts crossed my mind before. And lately they seem to visit me more often.

I'll just hope this is a passing phase.

Week 1 was about getting used to having lessons again (and it didn't help that the modules this sem aren't particularly easy); week 2 was about getting used to having tutorials (and making time to prepare for them).

With that, I think week 3 has started on the right note :) Think I'm slowly getting the hang of the sem which is a great improvement from the previous 3 semesters. Still, there's UCF starting this week and many more random stuff along the way that will pop up. Holding on to His promises and His word.

在你爱里我要宣告，我软弱得改变，

在你爱里我要宣告你是王。

在你爱里我要宣告，我不在罪中打转，

是你带领着我得胜。

靠着耶稣得胜，靠着耶稣得胜，

终此生要靠着主爱去得胜。

靠着耶稣得胜，靠着耶稣得胜，

不必惧怕挫败，深知主恩更广阔，

是你带领着我得胜。

And that's why I could go to church on Sunday with smile, without my tired disposition (or at least for most part of the day), and that's why I could go to school today without the dreadful look.

Jiayou!

No last regrets,

I bow down before Your throne,

Your Majesty,

and Your righteousness reigns high.

But I'm a sinner through and through,

And I don't deserve Your grace.

You have loved me just the same regardless

I am free in You, precious King.

So many times,

So many lies,

So many tears I hide in me.

But You have taught me how

To trust in You

Having faith as small as peas

过去的一年实在不容易 - 许多的起起落落，后悔莫及，所谓一失足成千古恨。所幸神的恩典够用，总算平平安安的熬过了一年。人际关系、感情、友谊、学业、灵命：太多的选择，太多的错误。

收拾心情总是不简单的一回事。除了面对残酷的现实，接受过去的存在，更要鼓起勇气，挺胸走完接下来的路途。还真是谈何容易。也就这样，因为有了不健康的应对机制导致时间的浪费，蹉跎岁月。不仅如此，还傻傻地犯了大错，后悔莫及。之后，还很幼稚地草草了事，不多考虑就寻找另一途径转移注意力。尽管如此，还是十分感谢神让我经过这一切，因为这让我更珍惜我的性命、健康及周遭的朋友们，也从中学习了许多、从中了解到神的计划是完美的。

学业上也不都顺利。成绩不理想，尽管再怎样的拼也只不过如此。但只要做了最好，不管结果如何，我依知道谁掌管明天。

当然，2010也有不少成长成熟的机会。在学校的合唱团，神给于我不少的机会及挑战；在教会的少年团契，神教导我要谦卑虚己；在教会的合唱团，神给我看到他的能力无穷无尽。

展望新的一年，我确实感到害怕。有许多的责任托付在我的肩膀上，也有许多的挑战即将向着我横冲过来，也有许多现在不能预料的试炼潜伏其中。学校合唱团的压力，法律系的功课，青少诗班的提升，崇拜司琴的塑造，青少培训辅导的挑战，少年团契的策划。。。

但不管如何，我知道神的道路高过我的道路，神的意念高过我的意念。他的心里有蓝图，他的时间不错误，一步一步带领我前途。我也深知主的恩典够我用，他的信实何等广大。

愿2011年我能够更加体会神的同在！

Dearest Fuzzy,

It's been more than a year since we've been together, and I hope that your passing is due to old age and not of my neglect. I'm sorry that I haven't been giving you enough attention all these while, especially during the exam period. I knew this day would come, but I never expect it to be so soon. Yeah the average lifespan of a hamster is about 2 years, but everything just seems so sudden. I guess, one can never fully prepare himself for such things. Anyhow, it's been awesome to have you around, even though initially I did complain about cleaning your cage. After a while, I get used to it and it's a good relaxation exercise, and it's always satisfying to see you running around the clean cage, pushing the food holder to one side because you like to hide in the resulting gap, and then running on the wheel for a few seconds before you decide you are tired, and then burrowing in the bath sand because it's comfortable. You would always unravel the recycled paper and the colourful things in the wood shavings and bring them to your house, where you decorated it. To know that you have passed on in this favourite house of yours is perhaps some form of comfort to me.

Rest in peace, and you'll always have a place in my life.